


Solutions To A Nutty Problem

by Music_Chick



Category: Digimon - All Media Types, Digimon Adventure Zero Two | Digimon Adventure 02, Digimon Adventure tri.
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 23:15:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21877180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Music_Chick/pseuds/Music_Chick
Summary: There are many solutions on how to rid of squirrels. One of them may include an invasion at Matt's home. Chaos insured!
Comments: 4
Kudos: 2





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was transferred over from my FFN page, which was posted back in 2005. I'm using AO3 as a backup. For a better idea of how my writing has improved, check the notes of any of my fics that does not have this message.

Matt Ishida awoke to the smell of fresh nuts close by. Taking a deep breath in, he opened his eyes and screamed with all his might. Two small, beady eyes, and buck teeth were up close and personal checking him out and yanked on his golden hair. The squirrel spoke its squirrelish language and mischievously smiled.

In a flash, Matt knocked the creature off of him and ran to his dad's room and shut the door behind him heavily panting. He didn't know what to do, or how that squirrel got inside but he knew that thing had to go and fast. Matt ran to his father's bookshelf and pulled out a book that was for emergencies like these. It read:

* * *

**How to De-Squirrel Your House**

Chapter 1: _What to_ _do if you wake up face to face with a smiling, mischievous squirrel_.  
Solution: **Call an exterminator**.

* * *

An exterminator! Of course! How simple is that? Only there was one problem:

The phone and squirrel were out there; he was in here. Matt grabbed a hanger and untwisted it into a long wire poll. Ha! Let's see this squirrel mess with him now!  
Slowly, he opened the bedroom door and peek around. Nothing. Not a furry soul around. Matt ran to the kitchen and dialed the exterminator's number while he constantly kept an eye out for that rodent.

Almost out of the clear! _The exterminator's on the phone_...What's that noise? Hello? _Hello_...He looked down to see the squirrel had eaten the phone wire in half.

Matt yelled words of revenge waving the wire poll as to scare the creature, but it was unfazed. It laughed its squirrelish laugh while pointing a finger at him with a glint of ill will. Then, without warning, it lunged into the air and bit his leg.

Matt screamed in pain while the squirrel ran into the bathroom for shelter laughing its head off. After disinfecting the wound, he rushed back to the book for advice. It said:

* * *

Chapter 2: _If the exterminator fails…_  
Solution: **Go nutty with nuts!  
**

* * *

Nuts! Why didn't he think of that? Nuts…nuts…Where would he find nuts? Oh, that's right! His father won that door prize contest yesterday of a twenty pound bag of walnuts. Perfect!

Matt dropped the book to the floor, ran to the bag, ripped it open, and led a trail of walnuts to the front door. He dumped the rest outside in a pile and hid behind the sofa waiting for the unexpected victim to arrive.

The squirrel slowly stuck its head outside and sniffed the air a bit. Recognizing the familiar smell it ran to the trail and began to nibble on them one by one. After what seemed like eternity and the last nut was stuffed in its cheek before diving outside for the pile of nuts, Matt charged at it with the wire poll shouting words of vengeance.

The squirrel stood its ground with a wide grin until the last possible second until it saw its opening. It jumped up and scratched crisscross on Matt's face. Before retreating, it ran back to the pile, grabbed a handful, spoke his squirrelish gibberish while taking a bow, and ran back inside to take cover while laughing its squirrelish high-pitch laugh.

Matt was in too much pain to react. After returning from the clinic making sure he hadn't contracted rabies he went to the book for advice again.

* * *

Chapter 3: _If nuts backfire_ …  
Solution: **Fire back! It's your next best friend!  
**

* * *

Fire? In the apartment? Well…How could that work?

Matt grabbed his cell phone and called his friend, Davis, asking if he had connections with anyone that could deal with his type of situation.

Within moments,Davis showed up in cameo, black army boots, war paint plastered all over his face, and a blowtorch feeling daring and courageous. Before Matt could object,Davis was seen running after the furry monster in and out of rooms and closets while walls burned, patches of rug scorched, and glass broke.

Matt panicked trying to smother the flames while Davis' rampage continued. All of the sudden, a loud "squeak" was heard followed by an eerie silence. Matt ran to where the sound came from and his blood began to boil.

Davis had scorched his guitar, _his guitar of all things!_ And the squeak came for delight that the squirrel now had roasted walnuts...Is that sunglasses it's wearing?

Matt kicked Davis, and his toy, to the curb. No one messed with his guitar and got away with it. He went to consult the half burnt book once more:

* * *

Chapter 4: _Still can't get that pesky rodent out?_  
Solution: **Squirrels hate cats**.

* * *

_Hello_! A cat! Gatomon would be perfect for the job! Matt ran over to Tai's apartment, and dragged Tai, his good time 'ole buddy, and Gatomon to the scene. After explaining the situation, and having to slap Tai a few times for making fun of his scratched face for "not being able to get one small, pathetic squirrel out the house" _and_ having to commit the rest of his life to serving chocolate to Gatomon on a silver fish platter, the race began.

More things were heard in the background breaking. Matt ran to get the wire poll again to help out. The squirrel stopped running, snatched the pointed wire that was heading straight for him away and bobbed him on the head with it. Then it spun around and poked Gatomon in the eye! Gatomon lurched out a blood curling cry and the race continued.

Fearing for its life, the squirrel jumped onto Matt and down his shirt. While Matt learned a new dance,Tai sat back watching in laughter. Gatomon, wanting to join in the on the fun, jumped in after it and the party moved down to his pants.

Matt had to slip his pants off andpunchedTai again for making fun of his "tasteful, impressionable, happy faces" boxers. Out ran the two contestants and into the kitchen. Chairs were heard falling, glasses were breaking, explosions were heard- _BAM!_ Both friends ran to the scene to reveal the victor.

Gatomon laid unconscious on the floor with her tongue sticking out. The squirrel bowed while speaking its squirrelish gibberish, and mischievously smiled while pointing to the frying pan it was holding.

Tai, being upset that this "dumb thing knock out his sister's pet", charged after it with the wire poll he earlier had retrieved. The squirrel simply banged Tai's feet with the frying pan, and then bang him on the head knockingTai unconscious as well when he had fallen from the pain. The squirrel, once more, said its goodbyes and ran back to the bathroom laughing its high-pitch squirrelish laugh.

Matt got fed up with the rodent and locked it inside the room until he could think of a better plan. He gave up on the wire poll. After kicking both friend and feline to the curb he reluctantly ran back to the book once last time for advice:

* * *

Chapter 5: _Old fashion ways won't work in a modern world?_  
Solution: **YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN! HAAAA HAAAA!  
**

* * *

_What?_ You've _got_ to be joking! Matt threw the book away and decided this had to be done the "Ishida way"...Calling his little bro for backup.

His younger brother, TK, came within minutes and had devised a flawless plan: He pulled out a mechanic female squirrel, pushed a button that was strategically hidden on 'her' back and let it loose, while Matt opened the front and bathroom door and both ran behind the sofa to hide.

The squirrel slowly stuck its head outside and searched the battlefield. Nothing. Not a skin-bagged soul around. What's this? YEA, MOMMA!

Its furry paws scurried to the female and tipped her over landing a wet, sloppy smack-a-roo. The mechanical female laughed and responded by slapping the squirrel across the face and ran outside tempting him to join her in the tree. The squirrel jumped for joy with its tail fur sticking out.

Both boys tried to keep their laughter to a muffle. The creature stopped at the doorway and felt torn until it saw the two humans behind the sofa. It casually walked over to the younger looking one and poked him a few times to get his attention.

TK stopped laughing and looked down to see the squirrel waving hello. He gulped then nudged Matt on the arm. Matt leaned over and looked to find the squirrel mischievously grin, run back to the front door and let out an ear piercing whistle.

Within seconds, the apartment began to fill up with squirrels. Both boys jumped onto the couch and racked their brains on what to do next. Then, the creature stood up among the crowd, spoke his squirrelish gibberish and lead the way back to the bathroom. Monkey-see and Monkey-do followed as well and peaked inside to see the unbelievable.

The leader was standing on the sink counter top making a speech while pointing to Matt's gel bottle and throwing free roasted walnuts to his friends. It even seemed to now...be wearing the hair gel? Is that fur spikes on his forehead?

Matt was about to start stomping on the little monsters until TK held him back. He casually walked over to the creature and in a flash snatched the gel bottle away. He was going to get to the bottom of this. Holding it in front of his face he read the label:

**ALMOND SCENTED GEL**

TK waved the bottle in the air getting Matt's attention and pointed to the label. Matt motioned for the bottle and TK threw it to him ignoring the angry leader that was now jumping on the counter top hoping to somehow miraculously reach it.

Now, all the squirrels became filled with anger seeing their precious prize was stolen away. In rage, they began to chase after Matt over beds, on top of tables, behind the TV and knocking over lamps. The leader cornered him and wore his mischievous smile once more. Matt prayed for mercy as the monster snapped his fingers and stepped aside.

The angry swarm attacked piling on top determined to get their Scented Almond Gel back. As a last resort he threw the gel back to Jimmy and ordered him to throw the forsaken thing outside.

  
All the squirrels angrily waved their fists in the air shouting their squirrelish gibberish as they saw their heavenly scent fall victim to the outside dirt spilling everywhere from so high up in slow motion. If it was the last thing they did they were going to save what was left. The army, one by one, held their noses and jumped down the many floors. Splats could be heard from a distant.

The leader, seeing his troops had fallen to these skin-bagged fools' plan, took matters under his own paws. It ran on top of Matt's knees, now with his back to the wall recovering from the last attack, and shouted at him jumping up and down.

As far as Matt was concerned this pest was going to pay for making him wake from his beauty sleep _and_ wasting a $10.99 tub worth of style. He picked the rodent up and kicked it outside to kingdom come. The squirrel let out a high pitch scream until it was visible no more.

Both brothers quickly ran back inside and shut the door, gave each other a high five and let out a big sigh of relief. They had finally found the solution to their nutty problem.


	2. Part 2: Revenge of The Squirrels

Matt laid out on the sofa in his happy face boxers flipping channels on the tube on that lazy summer morning trying to find anything that would help warp his mind in celebration of his new victory…Well, victory from two weeks ago, but still, victory. He could still remember his dad's face when he had come home from work earlier than expected that late afternoon.

TK and he had did their best to clean up after the broken glass in the kitchen, knocked over lamps in the living room, hiding patches of scorched rug with oddly shaped flower pots that he had "borrowed" from Sora's Mom's flower shop that he swore he'd give back to them just as anonymously as taken when he could figure out a way to make Davis pay for what he called "help".

But all that work went into vain as his dad came home early and found the both of them repainting a burnt wall - Dang it! It was the smell! That's what tipped Dad off! He forgot to spray air freshener in the house to cover up the weird smells of roasted nuts and burnt rug! If it wasn't for that his Dad would have thought he was giving the place a touch up…Well, a place they rented where he could have easily called the maintenance guy – But it wasn't his fault!

Those crazy squirrels from God knows where that dared to pick a fight with him, The Great Matt Ishida, so he showed them where they could go. How could his Dad think the worse and not believe a band of savage beasts disguised as one of mankind's loveable creatures attacked him for his tasteful choice of hair style was beyond him. And now because of that one Twilight Zone day he was grounded for two weeks.

Stupid, man-eating, face clawing, leg biting, rats…Wait. Maybe it was the flower pots that tipped Dad off? He looked over to see several droopy, brown color plants.

Nah.

Matt made a mental note to throw them away. It couldn't be because they needed water, huh? Maybe the plants caught a cold or something? Can plants catch colds? He remembered watering them when he first "borrowed" them - Oops. That's probably why they died.

Matt stood to his feet stretching his muscles with a long, loud yawn then declared with all his might to the empty air for the squirrels to mess with his God-like self again. He felt daring and courageous at the moment. He got his wish.

From out of nowhere The Leader of the squirrel clan strolled out from his hiding place of behind the TV and placed a hand on the side of it leaning while crossing a foot over the other. Adding to his dramatic entrance he clicked his teeth twice and pretended to shoot a gun from his free paw.  
Matt looked down to where the noise had come from and froze in terror.

Crud. Here we go again.

What was he going to do? The darn book he used before was badly scorched too. Who was he kidding? It didn't work before and it wasn't going to work now. At least this time he got rid of all his so called cheap Almond Scented Gel and chose to stay true to his original $14.99 mint scent, only the best, for the best. So it couldn't have been that, right? Then what in the name of all fur balls could it be?

_**BANG** _

Without warning, there laid the former champion of squirrel reddens unconscious on the living room carpet. A recruit had successfully taken out the first part of the plan by knocking this bone-bag out cold with a cast iron skillet he earlier had retrieved from the kitchen leaving the imprint of the back of his head. The Leader bowed, praising him in his squirrlish gibberish and shouted commands for phase two to commence.

He woke up with his head feeling like the Grand Canyon. He tried to hold is head to miraculously ease the pain but something was holding his hands down. What the…He was tied up? What! How! Why! What was he doing on the floor! Hey, something smells familiar.

The Leader crawled on top of him until he was nose to nose to this skin-bag. Oh, how much fun is this going to be! Staring at the enemy the leader stood on two paws with a claw taping his cheek resting an arm underneath an elbow. How was he going to start his revenge? Ah, yes! That's it!

Matt's eyes widen with fear as he watched the squirrel snap his fingers, laugh its mischievous laugh then became nose to nose again with him. Ewe, someone get this rodent mouthwash, please! Without warning it smiled its mischievous smile, yanked his golden hair with all its might then scurried off to the bathroom along with its army to discuss their battle tactics further.

Matt became fed up. This squirrel is _not_ going to do this to him today or ever again. This is _his_ time to relax, _his_ territory, and no robotic fur ball is going to ruin this day. Besides, he just finished getting off of punishment. He was going to get some reinforcements of this own. How you ask?

_Takeeeeeeruuuuuuuu!_

What he needed was the phone- _The phone!_ Brilliant!

No, no, hold on. The last time he used the phone that cough ball chewed through the wires; another reason why he got grounded for two weeks.

The solution you ask? His cell phone.

After having to crawl like a worm, knocking over a side table, making a lamp fall directly on his head adding to the Grand Canyon of a headache, he used his nose to press speed dial. They wanted a war? They got one.

over as soon as he could with a plan that was so flawless, so priceless, so ingenious, it would have impressed good 'oleTai himself. After untying his brother, making fun of his happy face boxers thatTai told him about before but didn't believe it until now, and nearly fainting from the overdose smell of acorns he pushed in a huge navy blue chest inside the apartment labeled:

* * *

**The New and Improved Way to De-Squirrel Your House!**

Panted by Milton Fradely Sisters  
- _Squirrels give it two paws down!_

_A children's play thing?_ Get that out the house! If it didn't work with the first version what made him think it was going to work the second time! After a bruised rib and a pounding headache with ringing in his ears Jimmy opened the chest to pick his first choice of weaponry, not bothering to read the directions:

Freshly wrapped cheese and a rusty iron.

* * *

_Okay._ Maybe for a toasted grill cheese sandwich with added fiber but Matt was fresh out of bread and he already took his vitamin this morning. He prayed this would work the first time.

The apartment dripped with a deathly silence. Not a creature was stirring, not even a human. The Leader poked its head out the bathroom door and scanned the battlefield. Nothing. Not a skin-bag in sight. Yes, he knew that creature would get untied quickly, but how?

_**SNIFF SNIFF** _

_Hello!_ What is this intriguing smell? The rest of his clan rushed to the doorway to take their turn of sniffing. Mmm! Without thinking everyone but The Leader rushed over with their naïve minds, ignoring their leader's commands to halt. When they entered the kitchen the power of cheese took over. There laid out on the table was:

Fried cheese acorn, roasted cheese acorn, boiled cheese acorn, baked cheese acorn, gumbo cheese acorn, barbecue cheese acorn, shish kabob cheese acorn, omelet cheese acorn, burrito cheese acorn – Oh, the possibilities! Each one ran to the gold filling their stomachs to the max.

The Leader's eyes grew wide and glossy as he felt the temptation grow stronger and stronger. Oh, heck! Why not? Not long after every crumb had disappeared the warriors laid vulnerable on every square inch of the table each taking their turn to burp.

Matt was hiding in a lower cabinet holding a string in his hand that was tied to a ceiling light which was holding a dangling rusted iron in the high air. This was it! Here goes the plan!

_**BAM** _

Did he get them? Did he get the little twerps? _What happened!_ Matt jumped out of his secret place to see the Takashi was unconscious on the kitchen tile, the rusty iron had landed smack on his face. Ouch. Guess he let go a little _too_ early. The Leader straggled to his paws, laughed its mischievous high pitch laugh and straggled back to the bathroom with his troops.

Matt got dress for this long day.

After taking his brother to the emergency room to reconstruct his face and reassuring the downstairs neighbor there was no need to call the police for a supposedly teen party taking place, Matt decided to take a chance and went back to the chest for another battle. He pulled out a bowling ball this time reading the instructions:

* * *

Cheese and iron didn't work?  
Level Two: **Let's play Squirrel Pancakes!  
** \- _Milton Fradely Sisters take no responsibility of any injuries under any circumstances._

* * *

Okay, so he had a feeling this wasn't going to work either, but he was going to at least see what fun he can have tormenting them, right? Now, let's see…How do people stand in order to throw a strike?

The Leader stood on the toilet seat cover giving out a heated speech in its squirrlish gibberish of the unsatisfactory behavior that took place moments ago. This would have continued on until he saw the lowly skin-bag standing inside the doorway holding what looked to him an overly grown, but burnt nut. The army turned around and braced themselves for what was about to happen.

Matt aimed the ball at these rodents and let go with all his might. Ha! Excellent! He got a furball's foot!

_**CRASH** _

He had to pay a toilet repair man to come over as quick as possible. Also, Matt had to show the police officer, who was called in by the downstairs neighbors that there truly was no party taking place – Only that he was taken hostage by savage, furry tailed beasts that seemed to be attracted to him.

He got a ticket for keeping wild animals in an apartment complex.

Gel Boy reluctantly went back to the trunk and pulled out what looked like to him a gallon of orange and green paint:

* * *

I see you're back for more.

Level Three: **Rodents hate dirty fur. Become an artist!**  
\- _Milton Fradely Sisters take no responsibility if toxin paint is digested under any circumstances. Animals were used to test this product._

* * *

Joy. More mess to clean up later. Paint? How was he going to do this?

After having calling Tai's home and quickly explaining the situation, not bothering to find out who answered the phone, and demanding for him to come over now, the battle had continued until he bumped into a new lamp they had bought recently to replace the old ones and stepped on the broken glass with his bare feet.

The squirrels who had been watching everything at the time pointed fingers and laughed their squirrelish laugh. When Matt returned from the emergency room on crutches he hobbled back into action.

The Leader had seized in his possession not only Matt's $14.99 mint gel, but also something far more worth valuable they found as well: His **Autumn Breeze Scent Cologne** and **peanut butter** from the kitchen pantry. The army had its fill of this tasty treat for dessert and discovered the cologne when funny aromas began to fill the air.

Afterwards, The Leader showed how to properly apply the right amount of hair gel to the fur to give it the extra 'omph' that it needed to knock out the squirrel females. The army whistled thinking about the results. Oh, yeah, man!

Just then Matt straggled on through with his mischievous smile, opened the lid to the orange gallon, waited for the tension to rise as he glared The Leader in the eyes and-

_**SPLASH** _

Anger rose out of these orange fur ball machines as they shook their fists at this overgrown skin-bag with their squirrelish high pitch gibberish until-

_**SPLASH** _

The orange animals turned into raged green little creatures.

Matt shut one eye, pulled the other one down with his left hand, and blew a raspberry – Hey! Was that rat wearing _his_ gel again? And with spikes!

_**SNIFF** _

And with his cologne! The Leader screamed with his little lungs and snapped his fingers then stepped back.

Crud. He wondered how fast he could hop with these crutches?

The handicap was able to get as far as down the apartment stairs and five blocks down. After receiving treatment from multiple bite wounds and ice to put on his sore crotch the doctors made sure to check for rabies. He later had to convince the next door neighbors there was no child abuse taking place and there was no need for child protective service.

He gave up on the heavy chest.

Matt was going to do this the Ishida's way: A little game called "catch me if you can". What was taking Tai so long?

Now would mark the last attempt of the army. They had enough of this skin-bag's useless, endless tactics and were now ready to end this once and for all. Their mission from this point on? Bring their snatched goodies with them and leave this strange skin-bag begging for mercy.

In rushed Matt with a newly sharpened machete yelling a battle cry waving it wildly in the air, accidentally breaking one of the bathroom ceiling lights and twice making gaps in the wall.

Great. More mess to clean up.

The army simultaneously turned their heads towards their leader. The Leader simply closed its eyes, and nodded his head twice. The race had begun.

Lamps were knocked over, pillows swung, the couch turned to its side in defense, Jamie's oddly shaped flower pots were of no more when used as bombs, the fifty-one inch TV kissed goodbye, and his base guitar's third and forth string popped when used to defend himself as the last measure. At the end he ended up back where he was the first time this happened.

Matt sunk to his feet in a corner of the living room praying for mercy from God above. He swore he would never wear those happy face boxers again if this was what caused all this.

The Leader crawled on top of Matt, glanced into his scared eyes, waiting for tension to build up and scratched crisscross on his face then spread some peanut butter on his hair for humiliation. Afterward, he snapped his fingers then stepped aside.

The army swarmed to him, in seeking revenge for their family members that gave their lives to rescue the deadly hair gel before with bites and clawing – _Whoa!_

Matt jumped up and learned a new dance shaking three squirrels out of his shorts who were trying to snatch a handful of peanut butter away from the other arguing in their usual high pitch squirrelish gibberish.

Ewe! Is that peanut butter he felt on his bottom? Matt made a mental note to take a bath if he made it out of this alive and to remember those new moves for the next gig coming up…  
 _  
Ack!_ They're too many of them! They're not animal! Quick, the machete! A solider bit his finger when he swung too close. Matt gave up on the big knife as well. Now they all tackled him to the ground making sure he was pinned down tightly.

The Leader smiled mischievously and rubbed his paws together laughing his squirrelish laugh. Matt gulped down the lump in his throat doing the last thing he could think of:

Our Father who art in heaven,  
Hallowed be Thy name.  
Thy kingdom come,  
Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.  
Give us today our daily bread  
And forgive us of our debts –

_" **Maaatiieee!"**_ **  
**  
In rushed Jun out of breath from the long run with freshly pressed clothing, extra spiky hair than usual, and an overwhelming smell of overly dosed perfume.

_Nooo!_ Matt had finished asking for forgiveness, not more punishment! He couldn't believe he sped dialed the wrong house! He needed his best friend, not his stalker from first grade!

The man-eating, face clawing rat army paused and turned their attention to this new took one look at the nutty infestation and let out an ear-piercing scream of horror so much Matt had to cover his ears. The whole army took their last breath and dropped to the ground, some twitching from the scariest sound in their squirrelish lives. Thuds could be heard all around.

The Leader, very much shaken from this new, powerful skin-bag, held one hand over his heart gasping, half angry this happened again, half too scared to move. Jun's eyes rolled back as she fainted. Unfortunately for The Leader, he was in her way. The remaining peanut butter made a nice resting home in her hair.

Matt caught his breath, got the broom and swept all the rodents outside the apartment and off the porch. The thuds turned into to far away splats. He then dragged the stalker out the house, hobbled back inside, locking all locks and fainted from exhaustion on the couch promising himself he'll never make another dare in his life again.

So much for the revenge of the squirrels.


End file.
